The Adventures of A Paper Doll

"She was cut out by circumstances."

The Adventures of a Paper Doll

by Wallace Irwin (pictures and poem)

Elvira was ethereal,

A paper dolly sweet.

Her head of thin material

Was lighter than her feet.

She was cut out by circumstances

For wild adventures and romances.

One day when she was going forth

A-tremble at each breath

A jaggly viper, showing forth,

Alarmed her half to death.

(This snake by paper folk is hated,

For to the bookworm he's related.)

"A paper man appeared."

But lo! with great velocity

A paper man appeared.

"Shoo, serpentine monstrosity!"

Unto the snake he sneered.

Whereat the snake withdrew politely

And left Elvira fainting whitely.

"Elope with me, Elvira dear,

And shun your father wroth.

I am your stanch admirer, dear,

And on yon tablecloth

My merry paper bark is floating

Inviting us to go a-boating."

"A paper fish, paivorous, yawned from the vastly deep"

So spake the man. And sure enough
The boat with great dispatch
Displayed its sail, secure enough
Upon a parlor match.
(I hope you'll note some indication
Of talent in my illustration.)

But when they sailed - oh, shiver us!
My drawing makes me creep-
A paper fish, papivorous,
Yawned from the vasty deep,
And would have eaten sweet Elvira
Had not her strenuous admirer

"Then to the fish he touched the tinder."

Removed the mast so curious,

And with a sudden scratch

Inflamed the end sul-furious,

Igniting of the match;

Then to the fish he touched the tinder,

And soon reduced him to a cinder.

But when their boat had landed them 
Upon the pleasant shore,
Elvira's pa commanded them
To part forevermore.
And, to discourage the intruder,
Upon a postage stamp he glued 'er.

"Upon a postage stamp he glued 'er"

"O Percival, come tear me off!"
 The lady made her wail,
 "For should the postman bear me off, 
And chuck me in the mail 
(Such fate, indeed, a shame and scoff is), 
I'd go to the dead letter office!"

 The paper man seized hold of her 
And ripped and pulled at length, 
Tight-straining every fold of her 
With all his paper strength, 
So bent on his gigantic trouble 
His arms and legs were twisted double.

"Our hero's perseverance has marred his tailor-made
appearance.

"Alas! I feel beside myself!"

Elvira cried in fear.

(I own I rather pride myself

Upon my drawing here,

Wherein our hero's perseverance

Has marred his tailor-made appearance.)

"Oh, haste and save your gown before

I's spoiled!" the man did cry;

And so they laid them down before

a flatiron passing by,

Which slid across their bodies crumpled

And left them faint-but quite unrumpled.

"The while the paper peasantry danced on with lightsome toe."

They sought her father tearfully

Forgiveness to implore,

Who answered rather cheerfully,

"My goodness, what a bore!

Though paper money I prefer, son,

You seem  a capable young person."

So soon, with song and pleasantry,,

They tied the marriage bow,

The while the paper peasantry

Danced on the lightsome toe,

An altruistic glamour shedding

Upon the gorgeous paper wedding.